worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
