I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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