My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
