No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
