dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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