my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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