I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
