She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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