OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
