Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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