Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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