I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
