You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
