she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
