I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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