In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
