All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
