dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
