That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
