I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
