Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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