I got chris browned last night
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Someone signed my nipple.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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