Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
