remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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