My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
