No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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