I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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