i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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