I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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