this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
