i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
