I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
