I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
why do cheetos always look like penises
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
