I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We left the knife in your bed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
