someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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