so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
