So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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