Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
