apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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