the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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