Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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