Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
