I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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