I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
