On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
