Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
