so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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