and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
