textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
