Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
