what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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