why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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